It has been a really, really long time. I know. I have not had any urge to write, nor the ability to sit for long trying to write down my thoughts in a somewhat cohesive manner.
But I'm waiting for results on a biopsy I had done yesterday, and I'm thinking entirely too much. Gotta let some out.
Well back to the last post, I got through my surgery all right (obviously), but the recovery afterwards was straight-up hell.
I was completely naive going into it and utterly unprepared for how difficult the physical recuperation was, let alone the mental effects. Holy moly.
People tell me all the time that I'm very strong and inspiring and stuff, for how I've dealt with everything. And yeah, ok I'll take that. But what a lot of them don't know is I was the exact opposite in the three months post-op. I was a mess; constantly in pain, pissed off, depressed, hopeless, and anything but strong.
If I hadn't had my husband, parents and mother-in-law here to help I don't know what I would have done. And I feel so bad now looking back, thinking about how much they had to endure dealing with me during that time, especially my parents and Jim.
I'm also quite amazed when I look back and realize I did get through it, somehow. It almost doesn't seem real, I was so not myself then. I am so blessed to have family and wonderful friends who are so understanding and patient, and caring. I nearly went batshit crazy but I learned to be more patient, and that was key. Just surrendering and accepting the process, letting go a little bit of the control freak part of me... was the most healing thing that happened to me. That was a huge lesson learned in all of this, as well as appreciating the Right Now, and understanding that is really all we ever have. I don't stress as much about the future "what ifs" and get so anxious over the unknown that I'm sick.
I had one round of chemo January to mid-April, then radiation every day in June. (Another CT scan and liver biopsy thrown in there too.) Oh and I also went back to work on April 3rd! I was supposed to start chemo again yesterday, but my tumor marker was elevated and I'd had a lump near my hip when I started radiation so the docs wanted to biopsy - taking no chances, which is a good thing as well as a pain in the ass.
This is the hardest part though, the waiting, waiting... jumping when the phone rings and so disappointed/relieved when it isn't the doc. Another exercise in surrender -- trying not to worry about the bad possibilities, remain optimistic, et cetera fucking et cetera.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that within one month I had two friends die from cancer, one from pancreatic on May 27th and one from esophageal/stomach on June 24th. And my best friend's husband had a heart attack on June 21st. So yeah, it's been kind of difficult to keep the negative and morbid thoughts at bay. But I'm trying.
I try to focus on the positives: how lucky I've been, how I've grown as a person, how Jim and I have grown as a couple, a new outlook on life that is truly grateful and happy, and that I've been able to pay it forward even in small ways and I will continue to do so every chance I get.
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